I'm sitting up at 12:57am while my husband snores next to me. But that's not why I'm awake. I was dead tired at 10:30pm, which is an exciting feat knowing my own sleeping patterns, but I've tossed and turned since then, feeling like I keep seeing things move in the dark room, lights flicker around and figures swirling. I felt a weight on my ear at one point, and a stinging poke in the back. It freaked me out. I know that Jesus is my Savior and protector, but so often I get scared at night by things I think I see. I don't know what I think will happen... I don't know what it is. Evil scares me so much, I'm frightened that one day I'll see something spiritually dark and won't be able to cope. I shouldn't have anything to fear. AH, why won't the reality of my salvation and the security of Christ's love just be enough! Why can't I sleep on that? Why am I still 23 years old and scared of the dark?
Jesus called, he wants my trust back.
Joel and I have been married for over 6 months now. 6 months of a selfless servant and friend by my side day and night. I love that. I still can't believe that God blessed me with him, it just blows my mind! (pause to look over at the handsome, snoring man to my left)... Yeah, still can't believe it at all. Jeannie asked me tonight what my biggest fear was... well, actually we were opening a trunk-like piece of furniture in the living room, and Jeannie was pretending that there was a boggart in it (Boggart - noun: shape-shifting creatures in the world of Harry Potter that take the form of the viewer's worst fear. Nerdy, yes, but go with it.) She asked what form the boggart would take if I were to open the chest, and I said it would be Joel taken away from me, most likely in death. It was the very first thing that flew out of my mouth, and it kind of surprised me, actually. I try to hold everything in an open hand, but if faced with a boggart, that would be it. I couldn't imagine life without my best friend.
Okay, I am really starting to ramble on about weird things now. I think it's time I attacked the sleeping thing again. adieu!
1 comment:
i have a lot of fear- sometimes it feels like i pray constantly at night, when patrick is sound asleep.
there is so much pain and evil in the world, it's hard to not feel like you're next...you'll be the next person getting the phone call that there's been an accident/shooting/hijacking. or is it just me? anyway, i understand.
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